Category Archives: beard scratching

Smear the beard…..with shit.

So the smear campaign against beards is upon us. I keep coming across these articles like this one that makes the claim, (without reference to an actual study,) that beards contain more germs and bacteria than a toilet, that is before your uncle Andy comes over for his morning coffee and bowel expulsion.

The most glaring mistake in this smear campaign is that they don’t make a note of where all that poop and bacteria would go if you didn’t have a beard. That’s right ladies and ladies with adams apples. Right into your mouth.

This shortsightedness leads me to speculate about the origin of this smear campaign. Like some beardless sap who had his dream girl whisked away from him at the hands of a much more handsome and healthy man again and again only to lash out because his face is stuck in prepubescence and now the only thing he can do is literally eat, breath, and talk shit.



Zombeard Apocalypse

After months in Gitmo Bay I was finally able to hustle my was out using only a toothpick and some dental floss, (Those guards have some really bad teeth,) only to find myself in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. My time away was certainly my darkest hour, but during that time I was imprisoned with a stoic of the highest order. He taught me to rely only on myself and do what is right no matter what. He also taught me to drink my own piss and to use my beard as a filter. At the time I found some of his teachings odd but his survival techniques will serve me well in this new dystopia. I hope to see you all soon, that is if its not to laaaaaaarrrrggg……….

Don’t use the “C” word / Beard World Order episode two

In the wake of the  news of the NSA is it becoming easier to talk about Conspiracy? Personally I still feel uncomfortable bringing certain things up in everyday conversation unless provoked to do so. Its hard to be the guy who brings discomfort to social situations. But I think it is important not to become too comfortable, to be discerning, and consider the facts when hashing out “theories.” Not everything is a conspiracy but a short glance at history shows how commonplace it is.

Should I feel uncomfortable bringing up topics of genetically modified foods or public education?  For the most part I am received with general approval on the views I feel confident discussing and I think that is a major key. A well informed view point is a believable one. Timing is also key and when given the opportunity we should all riff on what we know. It can be hard to swallow when you tell someone that the veggie burger they are just sinking their teeth into is made from GMO soy and that the only reason it passed the safe for human consumption standards was as a binder in cardboard boxes. No I play it safe in that situation, unless I’m offered some and questioned on my decision. Then I think is an appropriate time interject what you’ve learned. When the other person is genuinely interested and engaged in your views you are more likely to make an impact.

Getting too comfortable is the one problem many of us deal with. So many people I talk to are aware of many of the worlds problems but often don’t want to sacrifice their comfort to make a difference. Convenience takes precedence over ethics, responsibility is deferred and complacency sets in. This may not be a conspiracy per se as just a by product of an ever changing technological society. On the other hand all this technology certainly serves the agenda the NSA was pulling off spying on the populous.

For more talk on that dirty “C” word I invite you to join The Beard World Order in their discussions of Meta-Conspiracy and the “conspiracy to inject conspiracy.”

Also near the middle James brings up.

Fun with FOIA A call to arms obtain the knowledge for yourselves.

Thanks for being informed and putting an end to outlandish theories.




It has come to my attention through nick daniels blog that there is this group, of what she calls, “hipsters” who grow beards. Even though these “hipsters” are disguised like men, the way she puts it they are anything but.
Now I’m all for anyone growing a beard (including you ladies) especially if its to join a cause as important as mine, but I just assumed that it gave the men, (or women) who grow them, special powers to chop a tree down with an axe in one swing and carry the tree home on their shoulder. Thats how I fill my wood shed anyway. But now I am worried that this might be a super natural power of a whole different nature.

I bet that evil Santa is behind this.

Any way I’m kind of with this Nick Daniels on her train of thought about these “hipsters” and their beard products. You don’t need beard accessory products like beard oils or whatever these urban beard growing nancies are buying. In fact the only thing you should be putting in your beard are your own fingers, or your wife’s vagina (unless you are gay or of the female beard growing persuasion then maybe a penis better suits you) and maybe some lego men, or a burning match. You know for extra warmth.

I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine.

I was scrolling through my face book feed lost in the thought of how a decade of face book has changed the way we communicate, when an image catches my eye of a child being spanked.

Post hoc ergo propter hoc (latin) After the beard, there for because of the beard. or something like that.

I didn’t see who had posted it but was quick to point out the false logic behind the statement.  Just because gang violence is more noticeable these days is not due to the absence of spanking in child rearing homes. Even though the poster of this spanking meme claims that there is statistical evidence that shows it to be true. I have not seen this evidence but I know that this alone could not be the cause of gang warfare. Most if not all of these kids get into a gang because their home life is either abusive or neglectful. Either coming from single parent homes or even homes where both parents have been forced to work to make ends meet and supervision and stress levels are less than optimal. They find a respect in the hood that they don’t get at home. Moreover I am certain the gangs of New York during the early twentieth century persisted in the face of corporeal punishment long before it was even taken out of the schools let alone before it was shunned as a socially accepted method of discipline. Though Canada is one of the world’s only developed countries to sanction corporal punishment.

All this got me thinking of a long over due article on what I want for my children and how I view the world as a father.

My oldest daughter is ten years old and along with her younger sister I have taught them to read and write, I teach them math and help them explore the world around them. We are a home schooling family and my wife and I have chosen this lifestyle for many reasons but one of them is so that my children can learn the critical thinking skills that are drowned out in a cookie cutter style education that focus’ on short term memorization and little if any practical application. I’ve come to this opinion of school through a variety of resources but a big go to book for many home educators who share the same ideals is the Underground History of American Education by John Gatto.  If you’ve never had the chance to read Gatto it is not only an educational but truely sublime experience as he weaves his words with such eloquence. I will share with you part of a chapter called The Land of Frankenstein

The particular utopia American believers chose to bring to the schoolhouse was Prussian. The seed that became American schooling, twentieth-century style, was planted in 1806 when Napoleon’s amateur soldiers bested the professional soldiers of Prussia at the battle of Jena. When your business is renting soldiers and employing diplomatic extortion under threat of your soldiery, losing a battle like that is pretty serious. Something had to be done.

The most important immediate reaction to Jena was an immortal speech, the “Address to the German Nation” by the philosopher Fichte—one of the influential documents of modern history leading directly to the first workable compulsion schools in the West. Other times, other lands talked about schooling, but all failed to deliver. Simple forced training for brief intervals and for narrow purposes was the best that had ever been managed. This time would be different.

In no uncertain terms Fichte told Prussia the party was over. Children would have to be disciplined through a new form of universal conditioning. They could no longer be trusted to their parents. Look what Napoleon had done by banishing sentiment in the interests of nationalism. Through forced schooling, everyone would learn that “work makes free,” and working for the State, even laying down one’s life to its commands, was the greatest freedom of all. Here in the genius of semantic redefinition1 lay the power to cloud men’s minds, a power later packaged and sold by public relations pioneers Edward Bernays and Ivy Lee in the seedtime of American forced schooling. 

more of this story can be read here

This ideology of forced schooling has permeated every nation in the world and since then has been used a tool to stifle creativity and suppress original thought. Right up to our present day model of outcome based education the intention has always been the same.

The culmination of this knowledge helped me to reaffirm my choices to home educate and send me on a path of liberty and logic. One of my favourite resources for information comes from The School Sucks Project. In this project there are podcast series that help define and implement the methods for honing your creative and critical thinking how to spot logical fallacies and even methods for becoming more productive and efficient.

Somewhere deep in one of these series’ titled the kids are not defective, the host of this podcast layed some logic on me that changed the way I parent.  And it went something like this. If one does not wish to be aggressed upon one should not aggress  on another. This holds true for war, schooling or what have you but none so true as that of a child who depends on you for its very lively hood. It invokes in me a likeness to that of a mental state called Stockholm syndrome. Where the abused identify with their abuser.

When I first heard this idea of the non aggression principle I was at a difficult time with my second child. She was finding her voice and defining her will. My patience was thin and I resorted to the same method of punishment that I endured. Soon after I searched my soul and identified the personal scars I’ve dealt with my whole life and I realized I didn’t want that for my children. In a world dominated by fear, authority and corruption I want to encourage rebelliousness but at the same time teach them to respect those that respect you. When someone raises a hand to strike or uses fear to misguide you that is not a sign of respect that is a sign that this person wants to undermine your intelligence to form a peaceful resolution, so they can use that worn out adage, might that makes right.

Its hard to communicate these ideas in a culture that for generations have spent 15000 hours being indoctrinated by state run machine who’s only concern is turning out the status quo. But becoming a student of logic helps me prepare my children to face the world that wasn’t designed to play nice. Where Stockholm syndrome isn’t just a byproduct of the home life but has become the norm in the our political arena as well. Maybe if enough people took their children’s minds into their own hands we could change this trend for the better. Sure I was spanked when I was a child and I turned out fine but I don’t want my kids to be just fine. I want what every self respecting parent wants. To learn from the mistakes our parents made and build on all the things they did right so that my children can grow with your children and create a better future that isn’t afraid to speak or act in a way that is in line with their morals and values.

15 top ten list you could live without. Starting with this one.

As I was scratching my chin trying to come up with 15 lists, 150 articles people could live without I  decided it was more effort than it was worth so instead I offer a single list of things I should be doing right now. Just kidding.

I am wondering how our reading pleasures have gone from Shakespeare to lists of trivial factoids. Why the craze of listies? Is it due our innate desire to prioritize everything in life from underwear to extreme sport crazes? There is the “top 3” list for the person with little time or the mega list of 25 for the person with no life. But for you I’ll provide just a small (and deceivingly titled) list of lists that you could live without (Including this one).

The self improvement list.

The introduction of the 12 step program may be the catalyst to this list craze. Though its only got about a 90% success rate, its the endurance of the program for an out reach to alcoholism that may be a better measures of  its success.

Now there are more ways to make yourself happier and better looking than ever before but personally I’d scrap everyone of them that doesn’t start with growing a beard.

The cool new tech list

Our addiction to cool new gadgets likely stems from the artificial extension of child hood. Which isn’t just seen in our obsession with toys but also the length of time “kids” live with their parents. Over 50% of them live out their twenties at mom and dads.

The new toy phenomenon perfectly captures the attention span of the average consumer with tech breaking down shortly after the one year warranty runs out. Which is perfect because most people get bored of their new toy before then anyway. This is a clever little sales tactic called planned obsolescence.  Not only does this new toy mentality permeate western culture but it also feeds the slave labour machine in the east. Look on the back of your new toy I bet it doesn’t say made by a super happy whistling elf in the North Pole.

“It says made in Tiawan. But I thought Santa’s work shop was in China.”

Lets not forget the mineral war in the Congo making the Second Congo War the deadliest conflict worldwide since WWII.  All so someone can have a new cell phone that doubles as a beard trimmer.

At least he’ll be able to call an ambulance.

The relationship list

Most relationships start out great but as you get to know a person you discover their horrifying childhood traumas that come bubbling to the surface. At this point the arguments start and while one couple is looking for a list to improve their sex life the other can’t seem to direct their eyes at the right part of the others anatomy.

Most of these lists can be broken down to two pieces of advice. Communication is the key to any relationship (not just marriage) and don’t get married. Marriage is after all the leading cause of divorce.

The sports list.

Pro sports, that never ending entertainment spectacle that has sports writers guessing who the next up and coming team or athlete will be, while distracting us from real life matters. Chomsky, among others, describe sports as  replacement for our innate desire to rally behind a cause. Not only distracting us but fullfilling our desires to fight for an actual cause.

Imagine if people got this excited about things that actually matter.

It has us replacing our first person singular pronouns with first person plural pronouns as if somehow the person them-self is actually part of the team.

It’s OK we’ll get them next time.

Now don’t get me wrong I do enjoy some entertainment from time to time. But if you see me out there I’ll probably look more like

this guythan this guy

The music list

Am I the only one disappointed with the top acts of 2013? Maybe I’m out of touch but anyone who puts Kanye West among the best talents of the year has more hair in their ears than I do on my face. Not that I’m at all surprised. The industry has long shed its idea that making music is about uplifting the soul and replaced it with profit so that any girl without any self respect can dry hump her way to fame.

Heeeey, that’s my daughter your talking about.

I usually do have respect for the musicians that make it big on talent alone but more and more I find even my favorite artists changing their style and succumbing to the woes of the industry. At least I still have one band I can rely on.

As long as they don’t ever shave.

The wow list

The amazing pictures/discoveries that are too cool for you to experience so you might as well waste your time browsing them on the internet instead of experiencing your own adventures. I’ve traveled a limited distance in my short life but everywhere I go I find nature to be as equally spell binding as the place before. Getting out in nature is the best way to eliminate stress and therefore lengthening your life. So what are yo waiting for? Get off the computer stop reading this excessively cynical blog post and experience the world outside your doorstep. That is unless its the middle of the night, its pissing cats and dogs and you’ve got a beard to comb.