So the smear campaign against beards is upon us. I keep coming across these articles like this one that makes the claim, (without reference to an actual study,) that beards contain more germs and bacteria than a toilet, that is before your uncle Andy comes over for his morning coffee and bowel expulsion.
The most glaring mistake in this smear campaign is that they don’t make a note of where all that poop and bacteria would go if you didn’t have a beard. That’s right ladies and ladies with adams apples. Right into your mouth.
This shortsightedness leads me to speculate about the origin of this smear campaign. Like some beardless sap who had his dream girl whisked away from him at the hands of a much more handsome and healthy man again and again only to lash out because his face is stuck in prepubescence and now the only thing he can do is literally eat, breath, and talk shit.
In the wake of the news of the NSA is it becoming easier to talk about Conspiracy? Personally I still feel uncomfortable bringing certain things up in everyday conversation unless provoked to do so. Its hard to be the guy who brings discomfort to social situations. But I think it is important not to become too comfortable, to be discerning, and consider the facts when hashing out “theories.” Not everything is a conspiracy but a short glance at history shows how commonplace it is.
Should I feel uncomfortable bringing up topics of genetically modified foods or public education? For the most part I am received with general approval on the views I feel confident discussing and I think that is a major key. A well informed view point is a believable one. Timing is also key and when given the opportunity we should all riff on what we know. It can be hard to swallow when you tell someone that the veggie burger they are just sinking their teeth into is made from GMO soy and that the only reason it passed the safe for human consumption standards was as a binder in cardboard boxes. No I play it safe in that situation, unless I’m offered some and questioned on my decision. Then I think is an appropriate time interject what you’ve learned. When the other person is genuinely interested and engaged in your views you are more likely to make an impact.
Getting too comfortable is the one problem many of us deal with. So many people I talk to are aware of many of the worlds problems but often don’t want to sacrifice their comfort to make a difference. Convenience takes precedence over ethics, responsibility is deferred and complacency sets in. This may not be a conspiracy per se as just a by product of an ever changing technological society. On the other hand all this technology certainly serves the agenda the NSA was pulling off spying on the populous.
For more talk on that dirty “C” word I invite you to join The Beard World Order in their discussions of Meta-Conspiracy and the “conspiracy to inject conspiracy.”
Also near the middle James brings up.
Fun with FOIA A call to arms obtain the knowledge for yourselves.
Thanks for being informed and putting an end to outlandish theories.
Thum how I thurvived the winther, buth barely. My tholuthion ith to grow a longer beard netht year. My muthtath ith tho long it curlth around my tounge and givth me a lithp. I may hath to trim it if not for my own thake but for the thake my unbearded partner. Thee gave me a kith yethterday and made a comment about getting leth thlober when thee uthed to kith her pet bother… both… both pet drooly dog.
It has come to my attention through nick daniels blog that there is this group, of what she calls, “hipsters” who grow beards. Even though these “hipsters” are disguised like men, the way she puts it they are anything but.
Now I’m all for anyone growing a beard (including you ladies) especially if its to join a cause as important as mine, but I just assumed that it gave the men, (or women) who grow them, special powers to chop a tree down with an axe in one swing and carry the tree home on their shoulder. Thats how I fill my wood shed anyway. But now I am worried that this might be a super natural power of a whole different nature.
I bet that evil Santa is behind this.
Any way I’m kind of with this Nick Daniels on her train of thought about these “hipsters” and their beard products. You don’t need beard accessory products like beard oils or whatever these urban beard growing nancies are buying. In fact the only thing you should be putting in your beard are your own fingers, or your wife’s vagina (unless you are gay or of the female beard growing persuasion then maybe a penis better suits you) and maybe some lego men, or a burning match. You know for extra warmth.
The winters are long in Northern British Columbia, Canada (where today marks the coldest day in the history of Canada). On days like these I often while away the days wondering how to survive and in these moments a man can go a little crazy, as can be seen from this older video from when I had just a we beard.
I’m not sure what got over me maybe I was channelling my inner Johann Beardraven and his antics last year during World Beard Day
The small plane I have boarded from Hobart isn’t nearly as full of World Beard Day cheer as I might have expected. In fact, I seem to be the only one wearing a World Beard Day t-shirt – most others seem to be scientist types or hard-core snowboarders. Undeterred, I continue waving my World Beard Day flag and chanting “World Beard Day – Woooooooooo!” at the top of my voice until the half a litre of scotch that I chugged pre-flight kicks in and I fall asleep.
When I wake up, the plane has landed and everyone else seems to have left, aside from the plane’s beardless captain who is shaking his head at me – probably upset that I didn’t invite him to the wild World Beard Day party that I am planning for later tonight. While I am wearing only my t-shirt, thongs and my hairy shorts that I fashioned from some beard-like material that I found at Spotlight, I have full confidence that my impressive beard will protect me from whatever the elements may throw my way. So I belt out of the plane, down the stairs and begin running across the ice, waving the flag furiously and screaming “Happy World Beard Day motherfuckerrrrrrrs!” I just start to notice that the large crowd I was anticipating upon my arrival doesn’t seem to exist, when I lose all feeling in my legs, and go crashing face-first into the ice, knocking myself unconscious.
When I come to, I am in some kind of medical facility. A concerned-looking man hovers over me, asking me if I know what day it is. “World Beard Day biiiiiitch!” I yell back enthusiastically. He looks startled, mentions something about finding me a doctor and hurries off. I start to become concerned that the World Beard Day celebrations may have begun without me so I get gingerly to my feet to have a look around. While it appears that I am in some kind of research station, I am soon relieved to find a rather unshaven gentleman walking around. I begin to engage him in an enthusiastic discussion about World Beard Day, however he just stares blankly at me for a while before muttering something about having work to do and scuttles off. Not to be discouraged, I immediately spot a bloke with an even bigger beard, and march right up to him and exclaim my admiration for his facial hair. Rather than thank me, he scowls and mutters something about wishing he could shave it off if he only had access to hot water. I am taken slightly aback.
“Seriously though man”, I say, “how good is having a beard??” Again, just a blank stare.
“Aren’t you that fuckhead who was wearing shorts?” he finally says. I’m sure he couldn’t be talking about me, so I change the subject.
“Happy World Beard Day!” I say.
“Look mate”, he says, “why don’t you just fuck right off.”
The rest of the band was also sent to the four corners of the globe and can be enjoyed in full here.
Johann’s enthusiasm has again sparked my insanity in these cold winter days.
But the winters here are not what they used to be.
You’d think with a thicker beard I’d be brave enough still to do this in my boxers but perhaps with more follicles comes more common sense or maybe I’ll have more courage come 300 days from now.
Bill Watterson was a revolutionary in the comic book industry. His strip Calvin and Hobbes has endured despite being out of print for nearly twenty years. Despite his total disregard to advertise or expand his product beyond that of the strip itself. Watterson was content to let his strip stand on its own and stand it has with over 45 million of his books sold world wide.
His strip pushed the bar of what a strip should look like. Filled with action and movement. He was never content with panels of talking heads. But what is really unique about Watterson’s approach was his lack of merchandising. That alone is nearly enough to call Bill my hero. He never sold out, never was he tempted to build what might have been a billion dollar industry. (Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, has a net worth of 800 million.) Every time he was approached to merchandise a Calvin and Hobbes product he always felt it, “seemed to violate the spirit of the strip, contradict its message, and take me away from the work I loved.”
I couldn’t agree more. Could you imagine seeing Calvin suction cupped to the back of every car window or buying a Hobbes toothbrush for your kids. Sure you could and you would too if given the option. And this is what scares me for as much as I love Calvin’s unremitting imagination and resistance to authority he also at times epitomizes everything that is wrong with our culture. From his short attention span to his obnoxious, self deserving narcissism. Is it right to idolize a character with such glaring and colorable flaws? This is of course the same reason I put Watterson in a class above the rest. He was never afraid to tackle real issues. To produce a punch line that not only helps you identify with reality and make you think but also make you wish you were a better person, or maybe you’ll just wish you were a tiger.
Ah yes, our thin bearded friend has found his way into the hearts of millions and I guess were it not for his flaws he’d just be another Susie Derkins down the street. His individuality, perhaps his best attribute, is what pulls at our heart strings. Ever since I was a we lad I’ve enjoyed Bill’s Comic strip and that excitement has recently enjoyed a renewal since my own kids first asked me to read them The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes. My passion has taken me as far as to stitch them up their own Hobbes stuffy, (which I secretly made for myself, and no its not for sale.) which I fashioned out of old t-shirts.
He makes a good sledding partner. I just wish he’d learn to steer.
I hope my kids can hand down Hobbes to their kids one day as well as continue the tradition of reading the comics. I know that’s the way Bill would have wanted it.
P.S. There are a couple great tributes to Watersons work out there and I’ll just link to them here. One by Tom and Dan Heyerman called Hobbes and Bacon which is a look into Calvin’s future as a father. And the other by Gavin Aung Than of Zen Pencils using the dialogue, that Watterson himself wrote, in an introduction to The Complete Calvin and Hobbes Collection.
mybrothersbeardmachine 