Brocember blog day 25: Twas early morning Christmas and all through the land not a creature was peeping not even a quack because they all knew Jay and Silent Bob had come to strike back. They struck on the homeless they struck on the Jews. They struck on the church bathrooms and even the pews. They struck on old Krampus who was a little laconic to be beaten so bad by Bluntman and Chronic. They struck on the dishes the struck on the walls they struck on the fishes and that old Cockknokkers Balls. They struck on St. Nick who should have been dead, asleep in his lovely carbonite bed.They struck on the Ewoks who squealed with glee. The struck on The Hut named Java and then me. I said now whoa wait. You shouldn’t strike me. I brought you into this story so isn’t it weird that you would strike me and my christmas beard. So they struck down the chimney the struck down the door they struck down Kim Il Sung’s mother, that whore. They struck down a lunch lady for making them eat kung pao and then Obama and Harper Netanyahu Putin and Mao. They struck all the kids houses in one single flight then from the afar you could hear Snoochie Bootches to all and to all a good night.
Category Archives: Beard Tracker
Beard Blog Day 365 The Year of the Beard.
Well its finally here. A whole year of beard. 52 weeks of follicle fantasy. 12 months of twisted whiskers. All culminating to this one point in time. Yesterday a friend of mine complimented me on my beard and said he was quite jealous. Which made my year, for him and his brother are known for growing quite luscious beards. Of course all that pride came to an end while my brother came to visit this afternoon.
I had asked my brother to join me on this occasion to commemorate the cultivation of these fine spectacles.
As you can see my beard still pales in comparison to his massive face muff, (and he just shaved yesterday.)
So now what? Do I face dejection of in-superiority and shave my face in shame or do I embrace what I have grown and build off of it? Before I answer that question I have to do a little retrospection. A beard in review so to speak.
I started this beard as a parody to Movember and that has opened the door for the Ausies to steal my month and rename it Decembeard, where they are raising money for bowel cancer, (fitting actually.) It has been an interesting year non-the-less, I’ve been through mountains of madness that almost ended my life as I know it, watched hipsters hijack a fashion trend that pushed beards to the brink of blasphemy, I dealt with my own inner demons as well as the worlds outer demons and now on the brink of another Brocember I ask do I shave my beard? How could I when I know Santa is still out there torturing and corrupting young elves. So I say Nay. This Brocember the Beard must go on!
Beard Blog day 292: To live and die by the beard
Forgive me if my content is slightly dated, I’m trying to distance myself from the hipsters. A lot has gone on since my last blog post. I crawled back from dark side to find myself back in the mountains of coastal BC. The madness was strong but the mountain air has cleansed me of shear insanity.
I learned how to survive out here when supplies are low and wifi is shoddy. Thanks to incredibeard I’ll never be without dishes again.
I also learned that you can’t live on happiness alone. (That sentence is much funnier if read with a French accent.) No matter how much joy you bring others some times happiness is not enough (*snicker, sorry I’ve been away from my lady for some time now.) I’m trying to give props to the late great Robin Williams. If there was ever a better beard in any of his oft shaven rolls, Jumanji takes the cake. 
Though even the fan favorite Genie sports a quaint gotee. His bout with depression hidden by an array of fake smiles and a bowl full of ramen noodles, I mean laughs, left us all shocked. But his hidden illness enriched our lives and filled our hearts. And sometimes a growing heart is more important than growing a beard.
Rest in peace Robin
Thanks and cheers
Baby Face
It’s been over nine months since I shaved. That’s like growing a baby on your face except I’m less sweaty and better looking. It is time now to be delivered from the dark side.
No new art from me but here are a few from a occasionally bearded fellow artist Tom Dean.
These are a few new paintings, just until I get some more up. I will be starting an etsy account soon and will link here when I do. Interested people will be able to buy my original paintings from that site when it’s up and running, but enjoy these for now.
Beard blog day two hundred and twenty six: Help
I’ve anyone reads this please help. Carl has gone raving mad. I tried to shear him off but to no avail. I suggest strategic military opps. I’ll keep you updated if I can.
Beard Blog: Day What have you
The beard has developed a mind of its own. I’m not sure if it is safe to type th
Beard Blog Day Two Hundred and Change
It’s been a grueling challenge these many months maturing my masculine beard. I’ve been called everything from Heyzues to The Bearded Devil. (My favorite by far was that my beard was Christ like. The very epitome of divinity. Amen.) The combination of being trapped in the woods for three weeks battling the elements, bombarded by bugs, dancing with devils club and the weight of the massive follicle excrement coming out of my chin has started to make me more crazy than Howard Moon as a coco loco castaway.
Somehow through all this I must laugh in the face of nature see my plight through to the end and keep my coconut held high. Not just for fear of tripping but for pride and most of all for justice.
Here is a toast to Carl. may you never leave me, never…. ever…EVER
How to grow a beard.
Yesterday was my beard day and since I have turned a ripe old age I wanted to bestow some wisdom on some ambitious and potentially bearded youth in just a few steps.
How to grow a beard.
Step One: Stop shaving.
Step Two: Well actually there isn’t a step two. Refer to step one.
There you have it folks its that easy.
And well, for those of you who simply can’t grow a beard. I suggest you don’t go out in public or move to China or Japan or somewhere you will blend in easier like an orphanage or an all girls campus.
Beard Blog day 182
Its been a steady 6 months of beard and still going strong. I did have one lapse after I cut the hair on my head. I was really tempted to trim the beard down just to bring a little balance. Then I thought having short hair makes my beard look even bigger and that is never a bad thing. Of course it’s not the size that matters. It’s getting revenge on Satan Clause that drives this beard.
mybrothersbeardmachine 