Category Archives: Trimmings

Movember Massacre (why I boycott the month formerly known as November)

Well it’s that time of year where every homophobic, A team watching douche bag hides in their closet watching gay porn and grows a set of balls on their face. I’m referring to that month of the year when every guy grows a pedophile mustache in support of testicular cancer. I think this is the feminists favorite month. I of course oppose this facial fallacy for no good reason other than to promote my own cause.  What is your cause you may ask?

About 11 months ago I decided growing just a piddly mustache is not enough. To show your true manhood one must grow a beard. So I started to think of bearded figures that needed attention and came right to old St. Nick. Saint indeed, ha. My intention was to grow a beard for all of December (Brocember) to bring awareness to Santa’s horrific ring of elvish slave labour. But it became more than that.

I decided to grow my beard for an entire year. I tracked Satan Clause through the off season and found him making back door deals with Chinese business men. Taking orders from underground elf trafficking rings and even found him lurking among hooded figures at some kind of ritualistic seance involving a caribou, an egg beater and a 30 pound tub of KY jelly. I was appalled to find these truths about Santa. I knew he was anything but jolly when I met him last year but these shady business deals and sick rituals have got my whiskers in a knot. I’m setting out to expose the Santa Clause Lie and I won’t be doing it on my own this year. No this year we have a new hope.

What? Were you expecting Obama?

Mark, Carl and I will be teaming up using the force to force feed candy canes so far up the fat mans ass that his farts will smell like peppermint for a month. So if you oppose elvish slave labour and greasy pedophile mustaches I encourage you to start your beard now so we can sweep through the streets like an army of bearded brothers (and sister) exposing the lies of Christmas past and freeing the elves of the future from the sadistic clutches of this man made myth.

To All The Bearded Ladies

Well ladies I know you pluck, you shave, you wax, you electrolosize …. for shame, for shame.

Why? Why do you do it? Why go through the pain? I know why. It’s the pressure to fulfill the status quo on what is considered beauty that keeps you adhered, like the hair on a strip of wax, to the cultural norm.

I’m here to tell you it’s okay. I see your mustache that you bleached white and I think it cute. There is no need to hide that chin hair behind that scarf. I know whats hiding behind there, and besides it’s nearly the end of  May.

Now I know you say, “I’m just not confident enough to break out of the norm and let that beard flow.” But look at Jennifer Lawrence with her new beard. Don’t tell me this isn’t a good look.

Or how Conchita Wurst is just beaming with confidence after winning at Eurovision.

Well maybe that last one doesn’t count because Conchita Wurst is a made up name. Wurst the  German word for sausage and Conchita possibly from the old La Conchita banana ranch. You see Conchita is a man in a dress. But don’t let that detour you, just think of how good that beard goes with that dress and hair. And if that’s not enough inspiration then I’ll leave you with another song from the Austrailian folk rock group and inspirational geniuses. The Beards.

 

Galifiniakis Baby

So last year Zach Galifianakis came out of the closet on Real Time.

All of this was just a silly joke of course but it put him in hot water with his wife who even had family members calling to ask about it. Zack undoubtedly had to do a lot of ass kissing and presumably genitalia licking to get back on her good side. That all happened last may and nine months later I’m sure everyone will be happy to know things are just happy as punch over in the Galifianakis home.

It’s a girl!