Well it’s that time of year where every homophobic, A team watching douche bag hides in their closet watching gay porn and grows a set of balls on their face. I’m referring to that month of the year when every guy grows a pedophile mustache in support of testicular cancer. I think this is the feminists favorite month. I of course oppose this facial fallacy for no good reason other than to promote my own cause. What is your cause you may ask?
About 11 months ago I decided growing just a piddly mustache is not enough. To show your true manhood one must grow a beard. So I started to think of bearded figures that needed attention and came right to old St. Nick. Saint indeed, ha. My intention was to grow a beard for all of December (Brocember) to bring awareness to Santa’s horrific ring of elvish slave labour. But it became more than that.
I decided to grow my beard for an entire year. I tracked Satan Clause through the off season and found him making back door deals with Chinese business men. Taking orders from underground elf trafficking rings and even found him lurking among hooded figures at some kind of ritualistic seance involving a caribou, an egg beater and a 30 pound tub of KY jelly. I was appalled to find these truths about Santa. I knew he was anything but jolly when I met him last year but these shady business deals and sick rituals have got my whiskers in a knot. I’m setting out to expose the Santa Clause Lie and I won’t be doing it on my own this year. No this year we have a new hope.
Mark, Carl and I will be teaming up using the force to force feed candy canes so far up the fat mans ass that his farts will smell like peppermint for a month. So if you oppose elvish slave labour and greasy pedophile mustaches I encourage you to start your beard now so we can sweep through the streets like an army of bearded brothers (and sister) exposing the lies of Christmas past and freeing the elves of the future from the sadistic clutches of this man made myth.